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Now that’s gold!

May 5, 2010

One of our readers has come up with a plan of such great programmatic specificity in response to my previous post on Nick Minchin (Nick, it’ll be sad to see you go), it required a post of its own . . .

Unfortunately, Mr. Minchin smokers do not die early enough to save us money. Instead smoking and smoking related diseases are conservatively responsible for 60% of the total health bill spending in Australia. Even the cynical Government tobacco tax does not cover this amount.

So, what are our options, assuming we are less than happy with the status quo, or are we?

1. Ban smoking. Then watch the spiraling electricity consumption from people growing illegal tobacco in their attics and basements and the subsequent trafficking of the newest uncontrolled illegal substance. With the illegal lighting comes the risk of house fires from poorly installed roof bats.

2. Develop another massive “education programme” pointing out the evils of smoking based on the very unsound premise that there is maybe one person left in Australia who is unsure or uninformed about the detrimental medical consequences of nicotine addiction.

3. Entice the health minister Ms. Nicola Roxon to blast the air waves with suitable health warnings of the dire consequences of the dreaded fag. It worked so well for the almost non existent swine flu crisis that was so wasteful of our precious financial resources. The only strict stipulation would have to be Ms. Roxon must be encouraged to wash her hair at least weekly like her “boss” Kev (fluffy) Rudd.

4. Refuse to treat all smoking related diseases in current smokers.

5. Force all smokers to pay for or pay a “excess” for smoking related diseases and then watch the lawyers froth to prove or disprove the smoking relationship.

6. Form a committee.

7. Form a parliamentary delegation under the auspices of say the treasurer Wayne “Clever” Swan that will have the innate power to consume the entire Health Budget without any real reform or more importantly offering a solution.

8. Spin the problem to the essential employment benefits of the tobacco industry.

9. Legislate that all smokers be treated in a newly developed “two tiered health system” similar to the current Private (get it fixed) versus Medicare (just damn well wait will you) systems. This new system ensures all medical staff treating smokers are drawn from the pool of overseas trained Doctors (OTD) currently working as taxi drivers in our major cities while awaiting registration in “areas of need” or more accurately areas of desperation.

10. The most favoured approach is of course is pure Australiana – do nothing.

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